A Familiarity That Is Becoming TOO Familiar

So as we all know my first transfer in March failed. Not the outcome that we wanted, but it’s the outcome that we got. I was given another transfer date (yay!) and started cycle number two! This go round I was even more careful that ever, even consistently had an accupuncture routine going on…I wanted the optimal environment for baby to be. Baselines, hormone levels checks…all of that perfect! Even my lining was a perfect 10 and perfectly trilaminnar (an overachiever much like myself!). We all went into this hoping for the best and just wanted the best outcome. All was a go (my flight to San Diego was hell in a half!) and next thing you knew, it was time for transfer! My Twin assisted me and got to see me get knocked up without it being graphic, ha. Had chilaquiles for lunch and it was coach potato time for the little embryo…I even went beyond the standard 24 hours and rested for a long time! Next thing you know, I’m back in Virginia and no one at home would let me lift a finger (it’s amazing having everyone on board) just to be even more precautious so that the only stressor my body had was well…walking lol.

The days came and went, gagging over a smell here, sore breasts there…pregnancy symptoms but also side effects from the medications so nothing to read too much into of course. My amazing IPs check in on me, making sure I’m fine and hoping the medications are not throwing me too much for a loop (they weren’t). It’s May 15th, the day before my test and we have a nice chat. They are always wanting to make sure I’m okay, I feel fine, reassuring me what will happens happens and that we will leave it up to fate. I don’t know what I did to deserve such great IPs. I’m always wanting what’s best for them, and they are always just wanting to make sure I’m fine physically  and emotionally. 

May 16th, beta day. Blood has been drawn (in my hand…gross!), sent for processing and well the waiting game begins. After refreshing my email a million times, I get the news: my beta was negative. The stars were perfectly aligned and we all got the outcome we didn’t get. My initial thoughts “again? But we had it all together! Why isn’t science on our side?”. My second thoughts actually came from my IPs: “when it happens, it happens. It’s up to fate” and well my friends, that is the crazy rollercoaster of IVF! Everyone is hopeful that it will happen, when it happens but no one knows exactly when it is going to happen. It is a chance we take, both surrogates and IPs in hoping for the best, but also you know, knowing that sometimes the worse happens too. Once again, the whole time I am hoping my IPs are fine and they are wanting me to be fine. And I am, I am honestly just that: fine and onto the next. 

For now, I get to turn off my two alarms: AM for estrogen, PM for estrogen and progesterone, wait for my period and wait for the next steps. I know it wasn’t my fault, it just wasn’t in the stars once again. They are fine going for the third round as am I…but if they change their minds, I understand that too. It happens when it happens, and it is all up to fate. If you have read this far, I appreciate you. I know that I tend to ramble, but this helps me and I hope it helps someone too; to understand the not so perfect side of surrogacy but being okay with it at the same time.

Take it easy folks 🙂


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